How well do I need to know my food server?

In search of a good meal, I found a new friend. I could tell that he earnestly sought to make a positive first impression and an intimate connection, though initially the only thing I’d planned to offer him was my appetite.

It was a Monday, on one of those holidays that only retailers in need of excuses for sales events tend to acknowledge. Six hours past our breakfasts, my mate and I were famished. So we stopped in a chain restaurant known for its exhaustive menu of casual foods and expensive beverages. We were seeking purely physical rather than emotional sustenance—because that’s just the kind of shallow people we are.

When our waiter arrived, he crouched low next to our table, his eyes at breast level, and greeted us with an enthusiastic, “Hi, guys.”

What a relief. Most assuredly he had not been staring down my neckline. Otherwise my gender would have been obvious. It’s refreshing to find a young man who’ll simply look you straight in the sternum.

Just as I readied myself to blurt out my order, our host asked, “So-o-o, how’s your weekend been, so far?”

I considered sharing that I’d been incapacitated for the past two days with allergies and that consequently I’d ingested enough meds to supply an entire Olympic team. In fact, I was fairly certain my pharmaceutical purchases had prompted a nationwide shortage of antihistamines. Before I could muster the words to convey this, my spouse offered his idea of an informative response. “Fine,” he replied.

I shot my tablemate a look. Surely he realized this waiter’s attempt at small talk stemmed from the polite man’s longing to know us better.

“Can I start y’all off with some artichoke dip and chips, or maybe fried onion rings, today?” asked the attendant.

“No,” said my husband. “I believe we’d just like to order our meal. I’m trying to diet.”

“Diet?” Our server exhibited a shocked expression. “Neither of you looks like you need to diet.”

It was a shame this guy was too old to adopt. But maybe I could invite him to our next family get-together. Surely our girls would like him. They’d probably think he was “buff” and that his choppy haircut was “hot.” Possibly one of them would even date and eventually marry him.

“Well,” I interjected, “at your age, you don’t have to worry about such things. But when you pass a certain point, you have to be more careful about calories.”

“Oh, come on,” said the fellow in charge of our food order. “You guys aren’t that old.”

When our broiled chicken and salmon dinners arrived, our soon to be son-in-law remarked, “Boy, I sure hope you’re both hungry.” Not wanting to embarrass him, I refrained from pointing out that most restaurant patrons are hankering for a meal. After all, he was only trying to maintain the rapport he’d already built with us. Studying his bone structure, I wondered how he might feel about children.

I was sitting there, hoping this guy might be moonlighting as a waiter while he was finishing medical school, when our check arrived. Setting down the black tray that contained our bill, the future father of our grandchildren jutted out his hand toward my spouse and said, “It’s been my pleasure to serve you, today.” And in a male bonding sort of way, the two exchanged a hearty handshake. Then our newfound family addition extended the same gesture to me. However, I couldn’t bring myself to accept it.

Goodbyes just shouldn’t have to be this hard.

If you enjoyed this story and would like to read more like it, you may want to buy the book Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road: Humorous Views on Love, Lust & Lawn Care, by Diana Estill--available online and in your favorite bookstores.

###

The Dallas Morning News

Free Funny Videos, Flash Video, Funny Pictures, Clean Jokes

Member

Copyright © 2005 Diana M. Estill - All Rights Reserved 

Last Updated: Tuesday, March 25, 2008 09:01 PM