The Green Lawn Obsession

What is it about a green lawn that'll make a man empty his wallet for fertilizer?  Yes, I realize men ask the same question about women and shoes.  But that's another matter.

Some think a home's exterior says a great deal about its occupants.  Elaborate and well-maintained yards evidence successful owners.  Or something like that.  My landscaping theory, however, is less stringent.  I think that every yard should have some greenery -- and silk flowers and Astroturf don't count.  It doesn't bother me if someone's lawn is a mixture of crab grass, broadleaf weeds and dandelions.  When it's mowed, who can tell the difference between that and St. Augustine?  Folks who see much better than I do.  That's who.

But to my husband, a green yard ranks right up there with having spawned a child genius.  Who cares if the toilet has been plugged for two days or the cat litter box threatens to trigger a neighborhood evacuation?  By golly, our lawn looks lush!

Home improvement stores know there are plenty of men like him.  That's why they carry 892 kinds of weed-killers, 63 brands of pesticides -- and only two types of plungers.  The store clerks in these places, the ones who wear little orange aprons and typically run to escape me, take green grass seriously.  You can't just waltz in there and ask for any old generic weed-killer.  Oh, no-o-o.   First, you've got to identify what genus and species you want to eradicate.  Then you must quantify the area of affliction and cite any specific challenges (such as a desire to retain existing trees or, in my case, an extreme allergy to yard work.)  And of course, you must follow the manufacturer's written directions when applying these chemicals -- which then causes you to make additional purchases.  And there you go, having to buy protective eyewear and rubber gloves and a month's supply of Cipro.

So I was thrilled when a caller to a local radio station provided an alternative.  "You don't need any of these products to produce a green lawn," he said.  Then he shared his crazy substitute formula -- a concoction of cola, beer, liquid soap, mouthwash and vinegar.  I'm not kidding!   The man said I only needed to mix these ingredients, spray the carbonated bathroom products onto my grass and wait seven days.

Now some of you might scoff, but my husband tried this.  And a week later, neighbors were asking if we'd suffered a water line break.  Our grass was greener than pond algae.

This thrilled my mate so much that I decided someone ought to sell a premixed version of this instant-yard-of-the-month cocktail.  Maybe it should be shelved in grocery stores, on the same aisle with the bug spray and charcoal briquettes.  And might I suggest stationing it next to the toilet plungers?  

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Last Updated: Tuesday, January 08, 2008 10:43 AM