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The Totally Skewed Newsletter, May 2008 Written by: Diana Estill, Author and Columnist
Our Mission: This newsletter attempts to entertain those who are lost, confused, bored or satisfactorily unemployed. But all others are welcome. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ A message from Diana: It’s almost summer! And you know what that means? Okay, besides lawn work. It’s that time of year when many of us take vacations.
I have a tendency to do stupid things when I’m traveling. Yes, I do stupid things when I’m home, too. But that’s not the point I’m trying to make, here.
This month’s humor column, “Scuba lessons,” chronicles the outcome of one of my many vacation mishaps. If you’ve ever considered getting your diver’s certification, you might want to read this first. Of course, not everyone has these kinds of experiences. Otherwise our hospitals would be even more overburdened than they are now.
One of my humor columns was recently named a winner in the March 2008 America’s Funniest Humor Contest. You can read all the winning and finalist entries online at www.humorpress.com.
A few of my friends have new books out. Sheila Ortego has written her first novel, The Road From La Cueva. You can learn more by visiting her blog: http://sheila-novel.blogspot.com.
Susan Reinhardt’s new humor book, Dishing With the Kitchen Virgin, is now available. Susan’s Web site is www.susanreinhardt.com.
Don’t forget to celebrate moms on Sunday, May 11 (If you need a gift idea, I have books!), and have a safe Memorial Day weekend and/or vacation!
Until next time . . .
Your Totally Skewed Columnist, Diana Estill ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Unpaid advertisement
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In This Issue:
- Column----“Scuba lessons” - Wacky Days This Month – Humorous and odd days to celebrate in May - Other fun links --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scuba lessons
Copyright © 2008 Diana M. Estill
(Feel free to share this story with family and friends, as long as you include my copyright notice.)
Vacations scare me. Though I enjoy the rest and relaxation, problems occur when I try to “chill out” in foreign places, such as overseas, underwater or around athletic people. Last summer, in Bonaire, I was nearly killed by wild goats while riding on the back of a motor scooter. Apparently, charging at unsuspecting tourists is how these free-range animals beat island boredom. On another trip, while snorkeling in search of the elusive manatee, I encountered the more prevalent Florida brown snake. The poisonous viper swam a serpentine path underneath my bare midriff. Hubby says he witnessed me exit the river while screaming and levitating inches above the water’s surface. He claims it was a spiritual experience. One spring, I decided to obtain my scuba license. My adventuresome spouse was working on his diver’s certification. So, naturally, I felt it was my duty to know how to rescue him. On our first ocean dive, in Mexico, our boat captain remarked with confidence, “Don’t worry. We only have to go out about a mile.” What he didn’t explain was that riding in a small dinghy on choppy seas turns passengers into human yo-yos. By the time we arrived at the dive site, I felt dizzy and nauseous. I clung to the side of the boat like sea moss while my face turned a similar shade of lime green. “Oh, I’m sick,” I said. Concerned, other divers immediately fell backward into the turquoise abyss. “You’ll be fine, once you get in the water,” said the captain. “Just jump into the ocean.” My spouse gave me a reassuring look, and then, as any man confronted with similar circumstances might, he leapt over me and disappeared. I sat alone on the wooden boat bench, bobbing up and down. Another half hour of this and someone would need to bury me at sea. Gingerly, I slipped into the waves, where I hoped to find relief—and my man—waiting. Fifteen or so feet below me, I could just make out the blue stripe on my dive buddy’s wetsuit. Descending, I swam to meet him. Letting more air out of my BCD (buoyancy control device), I wondered if my natural “pontoons” would prevent me from sinking lower. It seemed that at any moment I might bob to the surface, rump first. Eventually I reached the ocean floor where giant sea fans greeted me. The fragile coral undulated back and forth . . . back and forth . . . and back and forth. My stomach churned in counter time. The air piping through my regulator tasted stale. I thought back to the most intriguing words my course instructor had said: “If you get sick, it’s perfectly okay to vomit into your regulator.” In the deep blue surrounding me, way, way, way up overhead, I could see a small yellow circle. It turned out to be a Sergeant Major fish. But beyond that was a ring of light. And as my breakfast surfaced unexpectedly, I tried to do the same. From out of nowhere, the dive master appeared. He grabbed me by my ankles and held tight. Shaking his head hard, he motioned to his dive computer. I could not safely ascend from this depth without pausing every 15 feet, for several seconds. Otherwise I’d get “the bends,” a life-threatening medical condition that right then seemed preferable to what I was experiencing. Chunks of food spewed through the appropriately named purge valves on either side of my regulator. This, in the underwater world, is the equivalent of shouting “FREE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET!” If there’s anything more alarming than puking underwater, it’s puking while aggressive fish and eels fight near your throat! I’m not sure how much injury my fins caused the dive master, but I doubt that he needed to shave again for several weeks. This year, I’m hoping for a safe vacation. All I want to do is go to the beach and snorkel without mishap. I have given up the scuba sport because I just don’t have the stomach for it.
Read more stories like this one at www.dianaestill.com. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- WACKY DAYS TO CELEBRATE THIS MONTH
May 4 – Respect for Chickens Day (Buy free range) May 6 – No Diet Day (You can always start tomorrow.) May 8 – No Socks Day (Kick off your shoes!) May 11 – Eat What You Want Day (Didn’t we cover that on May 6?) May 14 – Root Canal Appreciation Day (Go ahead and have some candy!) May 24 – Tiara Day (Act like a queen.) May 30 – Hug Your Cat Day (Be sure to get its permission, first.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Fun Links http://www.humorpress.org – humor writing contest site http://www.totallyskewed.wordpress.com – my blog http://humorwriters.org – homepage for Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop http://bandersnatch.com – a funny news spoof site http://humorgazette.com – news satire site http://www.womensfunnyvideos.com – silly stories and video movies http://www.southernhumorists.com – humorists writing about all things Southern http://www.parenttoparent.com – good site for parenting humor -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Copyright © 2005 Diana M. Estill - All Rights ReservedLast Updated: Tuesday, March 25, 2008 09:01 PM
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